Positivity and a new do.

Today was Hairdresser day!!  This was extra special today not only was it nice having a proper pamper day with my Mouselings, it was for the first time ever not stressful.  The mouselings are awesome and never create however my anxiety always kicks in with days like these, I think of every worse scenario including the outrageous and so normally avoid the general chit chat of the hairdresser umtil I no longer have a choice to go. Today however I felt good and confident, for the first time ever it wasn't just a good day either it was a.....  happy - yes happy something I`ve not had in a very long time. It wasn't even a someone made me laugh or smile day that's why I am happy I was just Happy :)

I want to remember today for when the dark clouds come to prove the sun is starting to shine again and a better me is on the Horizon. I know the dark day will always hover and sometimes win but for today at least I felt that fighting spirit gain!!!!

Also I have good hair again LOL

Good days and Bad days

So after a few good days where you feel your getting better and starting to move forwards a bad day will hit.

Today I had a bad day!  I woke up feeling strange almost feeling twitchy. I couldn't explain it or understand why. I didn't want to go out so my anxiety was up a little.  After forcing myself to do the school run I came home to a sleep as I was exhausted. After Woking uo I cried...again I have no reason why, I wasnt sad, I wasn't happy just numb. So many thoughts in my head so much heartache leaking out from the depth its been hidden in.

I finished and opened the back door and let the cool fresh winter air hit me and the sun beat against my chin and just thought no accepted it was just a bad day. I suddenly felt better. I began to just sit and relax and try and believe it will get better.  The day certainly seemed to get up.

Today I passed another big hurdle admitting I'm having a bad day and not coping and letting my emotions out and talking out about it instead of holding it in. Instead of sugar coating and putting a brave face on it!!

Right now I'm balanced between great things and the dark cloud that has been over my head for many years. The dark cloud shifted away slightly today and for that I shall take it as a positive day.

The beginning

Today was my first big step of moving forward.

I will admit I have not done things I am proud of and I shall have to deal with that. I have hurt people in the worst way - although after seeing actions from them I'm starting to doubt the hurt they claimed to be was true, however I will be sorry forever for what I did. But my destruction was the beginning to me being reborn.

This week I have looked at me and noticed that you can't sugar coat everything and bury it deep into the darkest depths of your soul because when you whip the band aid of everything bursts out and hits you like a freight train. This week that's what's happened to me. This week my soul is next to me lost, alone and not apart of me.

Having a chronic illness and ignoring it undiagnosed is never a good thing and a trip to hospital and a scary reaction to medication has given me the kick up the arse I needed to say its time I need my health, my children need my health. But at the same time while I now take it more serious so does my doctor because they ignores it too.

What I didn't expect to hit me was my depression. I have hidden my depression since my teens, before I was able too but with so much in my head and so much numbness and confusion it's also screaming at me. If you are fixing yourself I guess its only right you start at the beginning and include your emotions.

I'm not going to lie admitting to my doctor today I couldn't cope and needed help was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I felt weak, I am the one to listen and help others, to smile and laugh and tell everyone its going to be ok, not be the eternal mess that I am.  To cry infront of anyone is something I rarely do and to be that low is Shameful to me. Yet everything to me is conflicted, my head for example is telling me to man up, everyone has problems its called life. Yet my heart is finally saying no it's time to face up and heal. This will make my journey longer but I want to move forward in my life and rebuild my foundations to a stronger me. I've decided to blog it for the simple reason I think it will help make me heal, to get my hurt, emotions, feelings and happiness out. I hope maybe my ups and downs may help someone else because they will know they are in fact not alone.

I will never have a magic cure and I will constantly have to battle with my stubbornness and morals along this journey but I'm slowly accepting that.  I also have to learn not to sugar coat and fake smile everything something I have done most of my life and so do it without realising it.

For now I take today as one small brick built towards the new healthier me.  Healthier me means emotionally as well as physically, they both work hand in hand and if I ignore one I will never grow.

Falling

Life never likes to let us be still for too long, if we stop at the cliff edge it will come and push us right off.  I was on that cliff edge but decided to jump. Funny because it didn't seem so far at the time. Falling seemed it would be just a small step, yet it has become never ending. At the bottom it is white a blank canvas, where the shell of you brakes, you are completely broken, you are  vulnerable, lonely and what feels beyond repair.  You are lost no identity no remainder of who you once where. There are pieces that no longer fit or too broken to fix back. Your shell will be forever broken and parts of you lost. Your saving grace is somehow the rest can be rebuilt if you can face the struggle.

I have made choices in my life I am not proud of but I cannot change them either. All I can do is take a good look at the pieces I have and re evaluate and re build, learning who I am again and learning from the mistakes I have already made to prepare me for the mistakes I'm about to make.  The holes that are left will always be open and hurt no matter how I try to cover them up. They will forever remain raw.

Another year gone

So here it is my yearly end of another year post.  I kinda posted more than just one post a year this time so a slight improvement.

This year has been the hardest in my life. Decisions made that would turn not just my world upside down but the mouselings too.

My journey in life has had many a twisted turn and for a long time I have been lost, unhappy and very alone. Surprising when you are surrounded by many who love you.
As time has gone on and years passed my marriage has become distant and no longer the close net it once was, not that we didn't try. This year I made the choice to end it. Heartbreaking for all but its time to let everyone find themselves and find happiness again before hatred and resentment rolls into place and all that was once good is truly lost forever.

I am sorry and fight my morals daily over my decision, after all marriage is supposed to be forever something i truly believe, and I wish something so broken could be fixed but something's are just not meant to be.
We will always be a family after all the Mouselings are so very lucky to have not just a mother but also a father who cherish and love them dearly and no one will take that away from them. The mouselings are and always will be number 1.

So as the new year dawns I will not look back at 2015 as an end but the way for a new beginning. 2016 although will be tough I can find myself again and find my lost laughter.  With new adventures waiting and new friends yet too be met. I have two jobs I surprisingly love and 3 very amazing children who are a strength no other can give.

So here's to 2016 a fresh start for moving forward. No looking back with tears just a warm smile and lessons learnt.

To family and friends I thank you for always being there to hold my hand and wipe my tears, for telling me I'm wrong when I'm wrong and being brutally honest. But also to remind me how strong I can be. I Love you dearly ❤❤💋💋

So here's to 2016, a year where dreams can come true, to stronger friendships, love and happiness. May all of your new year contain the same.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Schools and Healthy eating

Ok so its really bugging me know with schools and their teachings of healthy eating and what they serve up at lunch time.

While on one hand I think that school dinners are far much better and tastier than when I was at school, they still aren't exactly the most healthiest of healthiest of meals for instance they still get chocolate cake for pudding.
But my problem is they serve up these meals yet in the classroom teachers discuss healthy living and how they shouldn't eat too much food and you shouldn't eat fatty food and shouldn't eat this and you shouldn't eat that because your get fat and that leads to obesity... While yes this is true don't brain wash my kid and then serve chocolate cake!!

But above all that's not my biggest moan of schools and their dinners v's healthy living. My biggest thing is that they concentrate in obesity and how kids today are fat and need to eat properly (again this is to a certain extent true) but no one is teaching them the other end of the scale and how not eating and being underweight is also just as unhealthy. Both my 2 oldest children now (middle mouselings when she was 8 and now the oldest mouseling aged 12) have gone from eating healthy meals to not wanting to eat anything in fear of becoming fat!! Twice now I have had to sit down and explain exercise also plays a part in staying healthy and some foods that nay be classed are high in fat are also ok due to the vitamins they contain and with food its all about moderation. I think its important that every angle is looked at when talking about this subject because eating disorders aren't nice and not giving children the facts especially those becoming teenagers and having hormones floating around is more dangerous than having obese kids!!! 

Easiest Fish pie ever

So another recipe - well it has been a while since I've blogged ;)

I have always thought fish pie was so hard to make yet this simple recipe and method will be getting you chewing up that Omega 3 ;)

First pick what fish you want, yup I have tried this recipe with mixed fish, salmon, monkfish and haddock (unsmoked and smoked) and each time its been scrummy!!

Once you've picked your fish (you will need a small piece for every person you are catering for - me and my 2 smallest Mouselings will only eat fish so I use 3 small portions for is and I often get a serving for lunch) cut it up into pieces and spread into your pan.

Then you will need to peel and quarter them enough potatoes (I do 6 medium sized for a dish for 4). Add them to a pan of boiling water and then drain when soft right through. Return to the saucepan add a splash of milk, enough to cover the bottom of the pan ( if intolerant to milk then add your alternative) and two tablespoon of Marge (again if intolerant use your alternative - I use vitalite as its dairy free) and then mash. If you don't own a masher go old school and use a fork.  Mash until fluffy and then leave to one side.

Now for the tricky bit the sauce, however you get this and then you have got the base to most creamy sauces without the cream for us with intolerance lol

15g Marge (I use stork again the brick version NOT the spread as the spread is not lactose free whereas the block is)

1/2 milk (again use your alternative)

And some chopped parsley

2 tablespoons of chopped parsley

Melt the Marge in a saucepan when melted add the parsley. Stir the flour in to make a wet paste. Slowly add the milk and stir constantly to make a creamy sauce (if it thickens too much don't worry add more milk). When the sauce is ready pour over the fish.

Add you mash on top and smooth it out across the pan over the fish and sauce.  To make it look nice and gain those lovely crispy bits your mum used to do with that Shepard's pie get a fork and make lines vertically across then do the same horizontally so making a square pattern.

Cook in a pre heated oven of 200° until the mash potatoe is  golden on top.  Before serving and because its always good to check just dip your knife into one side and check if the fish has cooked. Mine always seems to be cooked as it is steamed from the sauce while under the potatoes keeping it melt in your mouth.

Enjoy and if you have any questions feel free to ask.

Disclaimer: I am not a Chef I do not cook for a living I'm just a mum of 3 with good easy recipes on a strict low budget that I want to show are easy, you can cook healthy and you can cook good food even when your like me and can't eat anything ;)