Good days and Bad days

So after a few good days where you feel your getting better and starting to move forwards a bad day will hit.

Today I had a bad day!  I woke up feeling strange almost feeling twitchy. I couldn't explain it or understand why. I didn't want to go out so my anxiety was up a little.  After forcing myself to do the school run I came home to a sleep as I was exhausted. After Woking uo I cried...again I have no reason why, I wasnt sad, I wasn't happy just numb. So many thoughts in my head so much heartache leaking out from the depth its been hidden in.

I finished and opened the back door and let the cool fresh winter air hit me and the sun beat against my chin and just thought no accepted it was just a bad day. I suddenly felt better. I began to just sit and relax and try and believe it will get better.  The day certainly seemed to get up.

Today I passed another big hurdle admitting I'm having a bad day and not coping and letting my emotions out and talking out about it instead of holding it in. Instead of sugar coating and putting a brave face on it!!

Right now I'm balanced between great things and the dark cloud that has been over my head for many years. The dark cloud shifted away slightly today and for that I shall take it as a positive day.

The beginning

Today was my first big step of moving forward.

I will admit I have not done things I am proud of and I shall have to deal with that. I have hurt people in the worst way - although after seeing actions from them I'm starting to doubt the hurt they claimed to be was true, however I will be sorry forever for what I did. But my destruction was the beginning to me being reborn.

This week I have looked at me and noticed that you can't sugar coat everything and bury it deep into the darkest depths of your soul because when you whip the band aid of everything bursts out and hits you like a freight train. This week that's what's happened to me. This week my soul is next to me lost, alone and not apart of me.

Having a chronic illness and ignoring it undiagnosed is never a good thing and a trip to hospital and a scary reaction to medication has given me the kick up the arse I needed to say its time I need my health, my children need my health. But at the same time while I now take it more serious so does my doctor because they ignores it too.

What I didn't expect to hit me was my depression. I have hidden my depression since my teens, before I was able too but with so much in my head and so much numbness and confusion it's also screaming at me. If you are fixing yourself I guess its only right you start at the beginning and include your emotions.

I'm not going to lie admitting to my doctor today I couldn't cope and needed help was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I felt weak, I am the one to listen and help others, to smile and laugh and tell everyone its going to be ok, not be the eternal mess that I am.  To cry infront of anyone is something I rarely do and to be that low is Shameful to me. Yet everything to me is conflicted, my head for example is telling me to man up, everyone has problems its called life. Yet my heart is finally saying no it's time to face up and heal. This will make my journey longer but I want to move forward in my life and rebuild my foundations to a stronger me. I've decided to blog it for the simple reason I think it will help make me heal, to get my hurt, emotions, feelings and happiness out. I hope maybe my ups and downs may help someone else because they will know they are in fact not alone.

I will never have a magic cure and I will constantly have to battle with my stubbornness and morals along this journey but I'm slowly accepting that.  I also have to learn not to sugar coat and fake smile everything something I have done most of my life and so do it without realising it.

For now I take today as one small brick built towards the new healthier me.  Healthier me means emotionally as well as physically, they both work hand in hand and if I ignore one I will never grow.

Falling

Life never likes to let us be still for too long, if we stop at the cliff edge it will come and push us right off.  I was on that cliff edge but decided to jump. Funny because it didn't seem so far at the time. Falling seemed it would be just a small step, yet it has become never ending. At the bottom it is white a blank canvas, where the shell of you brakes, you are completely broken, you are  vulnerable, lonely and what feels beyond repair.  You are lost no identity no remainder of who you once where. There are pieces that no longer fit or too broken to fix back. Your shell will be forever broken and parts of you lost. Your saving grace is somehow the rest can be rebuilt if you can face the struggle.

I have made choices in my life I am not proud of but I cannot change them either. All I can do is take a good look at the pieces I have and re evaluate and re build, learning who I am again and learning from the mistakes I have already made to prepare me for the mistakes I'm about to make.  The holes that are left will always be open and hurt no matter how I try to cover them up. They will forever remain raw.